i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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