so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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