"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
