i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Drunk is a universal language darling
This toilet bowl is my home.
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