He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
