While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
