He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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