that's an acceptable place to lick
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize