Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
