I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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