Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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