Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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