His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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