hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
