So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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