I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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