New invention idea: vibrating tampons
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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