I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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