fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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