it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize