My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
