I faked an abortion last night.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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