Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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