I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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