He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I just put wine in my tea
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