I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
