I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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