My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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