Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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