she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize