I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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