cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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