Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
