Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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