Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
