Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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