You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
