Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
