I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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