Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
