Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize