last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
