So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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