he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
