it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
