I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
