I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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