You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
