I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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