No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
