What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
