I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
