I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
