wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
