I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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