My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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