Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
