I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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