I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
