If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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