Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
