Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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