kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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