If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
