bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
