she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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