Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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