so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
