hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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