I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
