Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
