While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
