This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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