apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
