it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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