I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
